Excruciating pain now unbearable as uncertainty has joined in. The tables have turned and all control is lost. In an emergency, the trusted and encouraging care-providers passed me over to unknown strangers in white robes. Instead of nurturing questions about how I feel from earlier in the day, the nurses force fingers inside me without warning all the while shushing me as another contraction gears its way up.
This is exactly what I feared. This is exactly why I chose to have a home birth. But despite the intent, I am right where most women plan to be. On a table writhing in pain, getting yelled at to silence myself, all the while wishing my husband and best friend could at least join me. And without any exploration or testing, they are happy to decide my fate for me, cut me open to remove the tiny soul I so desperately want to hold.
My body went numb as the liquid poured through a needle into me and for the next two hours, I felt no pain. Just anxiety as we awaited for the surgeon to arrive and my husband remained unheard of. Without the pain and my wailing, the staff also became softer. Perhaps rude comments remained about my baby being too big or me waiting ¨too long¨ since his due date was two days prior. But, they also began to reproduce Jack Johnson upon my request and engaged me in conversation making me feel less insecure and isolated.
The surgeon arrived. Our baby boy with matted curly hair was pulled out and Misa was invited in to hold up our Camilo.
And then they took my baby. And they sent Misa home to get bigger clothes claiming what was packed wouldn´t fit the newborn child. They sent him for more blankets because three wasn´t enough on this 80 degree day. He had to purchase diapers and formula, although we were against using both. I was sent to a room alone to await my baby and listen to the nurse tell me that I didn´t have enough milk to feed and if I wanted to try, then I could only eat chicken, squash, and carrots. My body was tied up and gentle, but unrecognizable hands moved my abdomen that could no longer move on its own.
When Camilo was brought to me, everything seemed right. He was right. And when Misa came back to us, we were the perfect family. All the issues, the experience, the long morning and mourning disappeared. And when Misa´s mom and dad finally found their way to us despite their lack of google maps knowledge, they too were content.
What´s important remains beyond this story. Camilo was born. Healthy baby and healthy mom. And now he continues to grow, strong and funny and noble.
We´d repeat the whole situation with this second baby if it meant we´d get to see another healthy and happy baby. But, we really don´t want to. Yet, somehow having a previous c-section is like having a felony on your record. In my request to try a natural birth for this second baby, many doctors won´t even meet my eyes. Others still see me as human, but have no desire to meet my wishes. I´m over here knocking on doors and finding rejection. I call clinics and their first question is how Camilo was born. How long ago? Hmmm….
Here in Mexico, the c-section rate is high. It is so common to choose this birth method that I regularly get asked when my baby is programmed to come out. I´ve been told that people in ¨ancient times¨ had natural births because science didn´t exist. Yet despite the ongoing c-section rate, they also have restrictions on how many births a woman can have via cesarean, usually two.
Well, at least in private hospitals, the c-section is the go-to. In the odious government hospital, IMSS, natural birth is all the rage…literally. My friend was pleased to tell me she got her vbac by going there…but at what cost? Her husband wasn´t allowed in and it took the staff seven hours to let him know in the waiting room that his daughter was born. Private rooms do not exist, but rather one large wailing room where all the birthing mothers agonize together while the staff keep to their regular warnings to quiet down. Babies are born and vaccinated against parent´s wishes and in the worst case scenarios, moms are sent home with the wrong baby (I´m really hoping they´ve progressed enough to end this though).
It all comes at a cost. Securing a natural birth either means undesired isolation and sloppy treatment or it could mean paying eight times more to basically ¨pay-off¨ the staff. Either way, there are no guarantees.
And so, now that I have found an OB-GYN who seems gung-ho about doing all we can naturally, I still remain in fear. It´s not so much fear of being cut open. I´ve already been through that and healed from it. I agree that emergency situations exist and we wouldn´t want to put our child´s life in danger. No, my fear is of being limited. That they would tell me this is the end of the road, no more children. Or worse yet, take it upon themselves to ¨fix¨ me without my permission (which does happen, although illegal).
I´m 35 weeks pregnant (and 37 weeks according to ultrasounds) and we still have no birth plan. The options are limitless, except for the rejections in my attempt. But still, where to go of the hundred hospitals and clinics in this city? I have to admit…a home birth sounds quite appealing once again.
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